That Feeling

You ever have those moments where you feel like your stress is maxed out and you have no solution?

That's what I'm going through currently.

I leave for China in exactly two weeks. I'm sort of packed. I've not yet bought everything I need to take with me. I'm having to spend money to make money. My husband and pets have no place to live in a few weeks. This all seems like it's blowing up in my face and there's nothing I can do about it.

The truth is that I had this feeling before I moved to Florida. Did it all work out in the end? Yeah, for the most part. The amount of stress I dealt with before the problems were solved nearly killed me, and now I'm having to go through it all again. Only this time I'll have to put out fires from halfway around the world.

I struggled with feeling selfish when I left for Florida. The guilt is painful and debilitating. Now, I'm wondering if accepting this position with Disney in Shanghai is really the best thing to do for everyone. I wish I could just be one of those people who can be content with accomplishing very little. All the trouble my decisions cause makes me feel like it's just not worth it.

It seems like if I get what I want, I hurt people and cause them stress. If I don't get what I want and remain selfless, others seem to be happier and life is easier for those around me. I know I sacrificed my happiness for a lot of years before working for the Company, but maybe Disney World was my one big selfish thing, and maybe I need to just accept that being driven can hurt more than it can heal.

Things might pan out okay for the next year. Everyone might be happy. I really hope that no one will end up resenting me for leaving. I really hope that I don't end up hating myself for the trouble I've caused.

No one ever said it would be easy. I guess this is all just a part of the journey, huh?

"This is why you never should have left! Dear, this whole romance that you've invented just proves you're too naive to be here."